some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
