I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I can't turn off my feet"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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