well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize