Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
