Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
