Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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