Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
