Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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