My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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