Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
