I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I party with great urgency now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
