After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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