So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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