They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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