god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
