Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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