Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
pop tarts are not kleenex
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
