Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
