Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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