I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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