yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
