I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
