the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
