You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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