Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize