i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
