this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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