i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
