Yo dont text me then not text me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
