Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
