My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
