I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize