Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
