yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
