i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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