I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
