Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
