I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
