The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
