I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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