He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
