he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
