I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
