I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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