we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Oh god it's open bar.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
