She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
