two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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