girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
