Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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