i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
