she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
