He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
