I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
