so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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