dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
