So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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