yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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