So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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